Sunday, July 19, 2015

T W E N T Y - F I V E

I remember vivid moments of my childhood, imagining myself all grownup. I would be beautiful and happy and responsible. My smile would dazzle the world and I would be comfortable and confident in my own skin. I’d take bubble baths and dance in my kitchen. I would wake up to the smell of coffee every morning and read my Bible with my husband.  

… I've been twenty-five years old for 20 days and I am not that woman.

I’m not sure I’d even call myself a grownup. Responsibility is not as glamorous as I made it out be in my 8 year old head. I've danced in my kitchen, I’m sure at some point in my life but it was more accurately my parent’s kitchen - not yet my own. I read my Bible but not as often as I should and I’ve never read it with my husband.

Instead I have a crazy laugh I love and a crooked smile I’m embarrassed about. I’m still growing up and I hear it’s never good to accomplish that fully. I love where I am right now because no one else will ever think my thoughts the same way and no one will ever see the world the way I see it and I’m honored to be allowed to live this life.

Today I am grateful for The Lord’s grace. Tomorrow I will try to be grateful again. I won’t give up on becoming more like Him and I will do my best to create a life He is proud of. A life I am proud of.

My life - I live for Him -  I’m aware it doesn't always appear that way - please do not assume I don’t know that I fail in almost every way - it breaks my heart -  but I won’t let it keep me down. I trust Jesus with this heart of mine and I am confident in His ability to heal.

Some days I don’t know if I’m happy but I know I could be a lot sadder

Though my life is different than I imagined it would be - I’m content today, in this hour and that I think is the goal. To enjoy where you are because in a few moments you won’t ever be here again. Never can you re-live a moment. Never can you go back. Never can you choose the past over the present. And that is beautiful and unique and terrifying all at once.